Self-awareness can help you heal your deep fear of being hurt
Have you ever wondered if you are self-sabotaging your relationship?
This can be challenging to accept knowing how much you love your partner. At the same time, you may not even be aware you are holding yourself back and preventing the growth of your relationship.
Most likely you developed these self-sabotaging habits out of fear to protect yourself from getting hurt. Whether it was a previous experience with a toxic ex or shattered self-esteem from a parent, this has led to destructive patterns and behaviors in your current relationship.
And, it is not your fault.
However, the more you are mindful of these habits the quicker you can nip them in the bud. The last thing you want to do is destroy the best relationship of your life over a past experience that left you feeling unworthy.
Here Are 7 Signs You Have Abandonment Issues:
1.You Prevent A Partner Getting Too Close
Keeping your partner at arm’s length distance is a form of protection you may have picked up out of fear of being left. Or, perhaps it was developed based on your attachment style with a parent. If you are putting up walls and operating out of fear, it will be challenging to have a healthy relationship with your partner. Relationships evolve from vulnerability and trust and that can only happen when you are able to express your deepest feelings.
Operating from the heart allows for alignment and connection, whereas fear self-destructs the emotional intimacy. Fear can keep you detached and from being seen as a valuable partner in your relationship. If you are living in fear, then you are displacing old emotional wounds onto your relationship and that is not fair to you nor your partner.
2.You Think Worse Case Scenario
Do you find yourself always thinking of the absolute worst possible outcome versus the greater good of the situation? If so, your mindset is holding you back from reaching relationship success. Having a negative mindset will keep your relationship from growing and evolving to new heights. A negative partner becomes draining to the other partner overtime because they have to constantly reassure their partner everything is okay.
When something happens in your relationship that feels unsettling, ask yourself this:
What are the facts of the matter?
Is this in alignment with my values?
How can I grow from this experience?
What is the best outcome for our relationship?
This can help shift your mindset to adapt to a more positive thinking pattern by looking outside of your own perspective and honoring what you desire most with your partner. Because when you assess before you assume it can help prevent unnecessary emotional reactions without supporting facts.
Also, if you find yourself continuously going down the rabbit hole with your thoughts, it may be time to pause and self-reflect. Self-reflection can help you decide what is helping you grow and what is hurting your chances at a loving, harmonious relationship.
3.You Can Be Overly Needy and Sensitive
You tend to be emotionally insecure when you are not feeling connected to your partner. You start thinking something is wrong even if it has only been three hours since you have heard from them. This can result in overthinking, sending multiple text messages at once, or calling to seek validation to make sure they still love you.
If you are the type that continuously seeks validation, then you are putting your self-worth in your partner’s hands and lack self-confidence. This is dangerous territory for your emotional health and stability. Not only is it destructive to your relationship to constantly seek your partner’s approval, but also to your own life. If your partner is your entire world, then you have forgotten the meaning of self-love. This alone can push your partner away which can be disruptive to the relationship as a whole. Healthy love is about two individuals who love themselves inside and out independently of each other while interdependently supporting one another.
4.You Create Tension Between You and Your Partner
Do you or your partner pick tedious fights? There is a difference between healthy tension and negative tension. A healthy tension between partners is the chemistry and romance that drives you to one another. Unhealthy tension is where one partner creates drama for control over the other or creates a toxic cycle of highs and lows in the relationship. This can be confused as passion because often the make-up episodes are great, but all it does is create an imbalance of unhealthy love.
If you find yourself in a cycle of highs and lows, then most likely one partner stems from deep-rooted insecurities that they are projecting onto the relationship. They do not feel confident enough or fear their partner will leave them, so they create negative tension to keep their partner pining after them. This stems from their inability to express their needs leading to power struggles.
5. You Try To Control Your Partner
Control is the opposite of love. If you find yourself trying to control your partner and expecting them to check-in with you about every last detail in their life, then you are operating out of fear. It is likely this stems from feeling unsure about yourself and emotionally anxious which is influencing how you show up in your relationship and treat your partner. Love needs to breathe for it to grow, giving you and your partner that freeing feeling that allows you to have respect and trust for one another.
When trying to dominate your partner this is operating from a ME mindset, keeping you detached from receiving what you need. Healthy relationships operate from a WE mindset to honor the relationship as a whole. If you disregard your partner’s need for personal space and desire everything to revolve around you, then this is a sign of emotional immaturity and lack of value within yourself. Relationships can only evolve and grow when both partners value the greater good of the relationship and have respect for their differences.
6.You Avoid Setting Boundaries
Do you find yourself accepting poor behavior from your partner and keeping silent to save the relationship from dissolving? Feeling fearful to speak up and ask for what you need can cause you to feel unimportant or a priority in the relationship. It is like walking around on eggshells because you rather avoid a disagreement than share your deepest feelings.
It is often thought ultimatums are boundaries, but they are the complete opposite. Ultimatums operate on a ME mindset without considering your partner’s perspective. Perhaps, you get to a point where you can no longer accept the disrespectful behavior so you end up emotionally exploding on your partner to change, or else you are done.
Boundaries on the other hand allow you to operate from your relationship values. They give you the confidence to speak from your inner voice, express your emotional needs from value, and grow the relationship as a whole by asking your partner to work with you. Boundaries are your lifeline to relationship success.
7.You Look For What Is Missing In The Relationship
No matter how great your relationship is you find yourself looking for why it’s not perfect. Your partner commits to weekly date nights, they support your emotional needs, respect you, and honor your relationship, yet you find yourself still looking for more. Nothing is ever good enough. This stems from a negative mindset and thinking the grass is always greener elsewhere. But, the real problem comes from personal perception.
Perfection is not a reality in a relationship. There will be good and bad days because that is part of life. However, it is important to leave your checklist behind when connecting with your partner. A partner who meets your relationship values is a keeper, whereas a partner who disrespects you but meets your external checklist may not make you happy. If you find yourself picking apart your partner or relationship, it is time to look at what is working and what you appreciate about them.
If any of these relationship patterns and behaviors resonate with you, then you may need to look deeper as to why you and your partner are unable to evolve your relationship to the next level. Fear has no place in relationships and all self-sabotaging behaviors stem from fear. Tell yourself you deserve love so you can achieve a long-lasting relationship for a lifetime.
This article was featured on: Thrive Global