I was once in your shoes…
I have dated the narcissistic man one too many times, often leaving me emotionally paralyzed. Twisting and turning every encounter only to fall victim to his charade.
If he wasn’t the center of attention, then he would soon find a way.
My needs were never important to him, only to myself, which is clearly not a partnership. But, I stood by his side because I thought we were in this together?
Man, was I wrong…
No matter how many times I expressed my concerns and needs they fell on deaf ears. And, not because I wasn’t standing up for myself. Confidence has never really been an issue for me. But, how I was communicating my message was the issue.
I’m an INFJ personality type. We are 2% of the population that is known as the healers. I’m a true empath who loves helping others conquer their struggles (you could say my profession chose me), including my ex’s emotional struggles. I naturally attract the narcissistic, the emotionally wounded, like the peanut butter to my jelly. Yet, it’s a double-edged sword because they truly don’t want the help and will only bring chaos into one’s life.
And, while I’m great at helping others I’ve also had to learn to help myself from attracting this type of person into my life. Because as much as I want to help them, it’s easy to have the life sucked right out of you if you don’t recognize the signs early on.
The minute you are in love it only gets that much harder to leave.
Thankfully the years of tears are behind me now and hopefully, they will soon be behind you as well.
Everyone deserves true-blue love with an amazing man who is capable of giving and taking as an equal partner. This kind of exchange allows the relationship to flourish and deepen to an everlasting connection of mutual respect, love, and friendship.
But to attract a worthy man, one must learn to avoid the narcissist.
How To Spot A Narcissist:
1. A relationship with them is simply a transaction. They want something you have that will boost their lifestyle and appearance to the outside world.
2. There is more anxiety and ambiguity than trust and understanding in the relationship.
3. Everything is always on their terms because of the need to feel in control at all times.
4. They thrive off of you, constantly taking to meet their needs. This alone feeds their ego and you become their prey in order to emotionally survive.
5. Your successes will always make them feel inferior and this is why they are unable to support you in your life. You can never achieve more than them.
6. They often use triangulation as a way to make you compete for their attention from another person.
7. They will bring you down when they don’t feel great about themselves. Nor will they challenge you to become the best version of yourself because then you would become too powerful for them. They make you feel like you need to become BETTER…But only for them.
8. They claim they despise drama, yet passively create it.
9. Narcissists make you feel guilty for their actions and avoid responsibility like the plague.
10. They will play games of hot and cold just to prove themselves how much power they have over you.
11. They hate who they are deep down and will want you to hate who you are as well. This is so they feel a sense of superiority over you.
12. Masters of manipulation. They will act as though they want you all to themselves, but really they are only trying to separate you from those who love you, friends and family, so they have that much more control over you. And, you’ll have no choice but to accept the bread crumbs they give you.
13. They will eventually talk bad about you and make everyone think you are the problem in the relationship.
14. Everyone in their life has screwed them over and they want to you see them as the victim of their circumstances.
You have a choice…
Is your current relationship rut solvable if you implement boundaries with him?
OR, is it too lifeless and you need to save your soul from this toxic relationship?
Sometimes not much can be salvaged when dating a narcissist unless they are open to getting help or realize the pain of losing you is too much to bear. If this isn’t the case then more than likely you will need to walk away for your own emotional health. And that means cutting him off completely. That is only the only way to end this game of manipulation.
Saving yourself from his selfishness is self-love. And, you do not need to feel guilty about loving yourself more.
It’s amazing what a little emotional and physical distance can do for you. By giving yourself time to heal you will gain clarity on the relationship and realize whether he is worth keeping in your life or not.
Understand if this is the choice you decide to make, know that you are making him feel powerless. He thrives on your tears and emotional reactivity for survival. And, when he feels you no longer need him it will ignite him to come back to you only to tell you things will be different this time. However, more than likely his sweetness will only last until he feels he has his power back. He will then retreat to his old behaviors.
Now, if your choice is to work it out…
Knowing how to set boundaries will be essential to your mental health and getting your needs met in the relationship. When you set boundaries you are operating from a place of self-respect, confidence, and an unwavering dedication to yourself. You become a Boundary Badass.
Boundaries are the quickest and easiest way of having a healthy relationship and getting the respect you desire. Unsure how to set boundaries or need more relationship advice? Discover more here.
It’s time to Own Who The F*ck You Are and begin receiving the love you deserve.
The Love Twins,
Jan and Jillian